One year: reflection

I sat down, and I read the journey of the last year that I’ve shared on here. One year ago, my world shattered in the worst ways. The world became ugly and broken. Everything I loved was hurt, and I lost almost everything I had put my all into.

I spent the last year in the worst hell of my life.

Momma said: “You can’t heal a broken heart in under a year,” and she was right.

But you can break over and over again in a year. You can experience the worst of human nature in a year. In a year, all the illusions of life can disappear, and you can suffer tremendously. Everything can change so completely in a year as to be unrecognizable from the life you had before.

And you know what, sometimes you have to trespass hell to find who you are meant to truly be.

One year ago, I didn’t know how I would ever heal from the trauma. I wish I could go back and tell myself it was gonna be ok and not to fight letting the previous life go. That a year later, I would look back and know without a doubt that life was slowly killing my heart and soul.

Walking through hell will teach you more than you ever thought possible. It’ll teach you that those you thought were strong enough to be your rock were actually weak minded and jealous of your strength. It will teach you where you fool yourself, believing in good hearts in the wrong places when really the heart to believe in is within. It will teach you so much about letting go, the strength it takes to not hate, to not cave your own worth. Your own convictions. It will teach you how holding on to anger can make you question yourself and your faith and really everything.

Walking through hell will teach you the strength of emotions and the depth of your ability to feel. And it will mold you however you let it.

One year ago, I wasn’t sure I’d see the day I felt peace again, or if I’m honest, the anniversary at all.

But after a year, I’ve blossomed again. I have found my sense of humor, my light, my strength. This year drove me to the brink of insanity and beyond, but it also brought me back to God. It also brought me closer to family and friends who truly love me unconditionally. It also brought me support in the most unexpected places. It also found me surrounded by good people. It also brought me to the path of peace and building. It also touched places in my heart I thought long gone that have now healed.

I went to church this past weekend for the first time in forever. I’ve connected with old friends who’ve reminded me that good men do exist and I need to watch their examples, so when and if I am ready again, I know what to look for. I have made new friends who bring me a ton of joy. But I’ve also spent a lot of time alone learning to love my own company again. I genuinely feel like myself all the time. I’ve stopped caring what other people think of me and my journey, I am healing how I needed to heal.

I’ve resumed passions of mine that had been subdued by being another person’s version of me. I’m writing again, I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I have thrown my energy back at school and work. I love my children even harder, give them more of me than I knew I had.

I thought it would take a long time to reach any semblance of peace, but actually, peace came when I accepted it. All I needed was to let myself be peaceful, and then I resumed living and felt it. I haven’t been living triggered, I haven’t sunk into depression. I honestly got back on my feet, got to work, and once all the monsters were removed, I found the strength to claw my way out of hell and started truly healing. Started forgiving, listening, and trusting myself.

One year can do a lot.

So many out there face the nightmares I have. If I could, I would hug you all and tell you to hold on for just one year. Make it through just one year, then reflect on where your at. Because one year is small in the scheme of a lifetime but it can also change everything.

Start letting go as soon as your gut tells you, too. Pay attention, and don’t go back ever to those that knowingly hurt you. People will keep burrying you if you make excuses for them. “Well, but it wasn’t like this the 5 years we were together…” Yes it was. You were just so busy judging them by what you loved about them and by your pure heart that you weren’t acknowledging the toxic behavior. So let go of that hope, let them fail you, let them abandon ship, and build your walls so high they can never get back in. It hurts for awhile, sometimes it will take your breath away how much, but when you stop missing them, stop waiting for them, stop caring what they are doing- you find living again and the more you live the more you realize they kept you in hell afraid of how high you’d rise if you realized how much more you are. How much potential you have. Because they never had it. So see those monsters for what they are and only look forward.

Maybe you’re healing from darker traumas, those I won’t share much publicly, but just know perseverance is a strength. Some things you are best off letting God worry about forgiving. Worry about you. Move forward one little step at a time.

I am piecing my heart back together. The more I let myself find gratitude and peace in the life I’m building around me, the less I care about what I lost along the way. I needed to lose most of it to re-emerge as a phoenix.

Mindset is everything, I’ve learned that the only way to heal is to put your mind to the work. It may not happen in a year. The scars may be deep, but if you’re in hell, you’re in a period of forging. What you come out as is up to you.

I am proud of myself, I am growing into a woman I don’t know yet, but she gives me formidable wisdom and loving vibes. My heart is so full of love for those around me who’ve stood by me or come in and showed what real compassion and loyalty look like. I am excited for this next year to teach me my potential.

If you’re on your own journey, I am proud of you too.